What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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