i'm lost and i look like a hooker
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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