I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
