is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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