you traded sex for a burrito?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
