... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
BRING THE BAGELS
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize