Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
