i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize