Pants 0. Shit 1.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
