He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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