If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
