woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
