Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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