Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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