So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I AM VODKA MAN
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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