who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
nutella sex= disaster
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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