I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
