I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
