id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Randomize
