Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
