i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
