I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
