I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
