1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
