eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
