i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
