Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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