Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
she looked like the before picture.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
