We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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