I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
