Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
