If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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