Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
