The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
