Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
