He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
