I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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