I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
