I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
