Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
