I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize