I'm sorry my penis didn't work
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
