I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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