Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Who put my cat in the fridge?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
