I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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