He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
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