Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
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