So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
