Can Purell be used as lube?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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