Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
