My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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