How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Randomize
