Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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