Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Randomize
