you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
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