remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
