How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize