lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
