a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
