so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
