didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
