he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
How does one acquire holy water?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
