I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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