My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize