Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Randomize
